Getting Something Off My Chest

I'm going to start this with a disclaimer: I am not doing this to garner sympathy, or to get anyone upset on my behalf, I just feel this is something I need to talk about, to get it out of my head and let me move on from it. It has been over a year already. So, with that out of the way, let me tell you a story.

Last August I got back to Scotland after an awesome year in Japan, and to celebrate my return a friend insisted I go for a night out. Now, nightclubs have never been my thing, but I hadn't seen them all in a year, so I agreed to go.

Shouldn't have bothered; I had vowed not to drink too much, but I lost part of the night, so I guessed I must have.

Except a friend had my money in his pocket, because I didn't have a small purse to take with me, so I could only buy drinks when I got money from him, and he said I had only had a couple of rum and cokes. So of course, I was confused.

But then when I thought back to what I could remember of the night, there had been a guy bugging me to go dance with him for a long time. We're talking over an hour here. I obviously can't say yes, he definitely slipped me something, but I'm guessing that's what happened. I was unharmed though, so I thought nothing of it.

A few weeks later I moved to my uni accommodation for the year, which was my gran's house, though she was away on holiday for the first couple of weeks. And I was ill, feeling sleepy and being sick, which rarely happens with me. I tried to register with the doctor, but I needed a letter from my gran confirming I was living with her, so that would had to wait 'til she got back. There was a niggling in the back of my mind though, and it was hard to ignore.

My friend had mentioned that at one point in the night, I had said I had a headache, and wanted a glass of water. The people at the bar tried to charge me a silly amount for a glass of water, so I had said I was going to the nearby 24hr store, as it would be cheaper to buy a bottle of water, and the fresh air might help. He then said something that made that niggling all the louder; I had been missing for over half an hour, before I was found sitting on the steps of the club, babbling nonsense to the bouncers.

It was a horrible thought, but I had to be sure, and the test came back positive. The weird thing is, that's not the bit that made me angry. It was the fact that I then had to make the most difficult, selfish decision I've ever had to make. For the sake of my degree and my future career it had to be done, but it was heartbreaking.

It's a hard thing to type, or say, but I need to say it; I was raped,and as a consequence had to have an abortion. You have no idea how cathartic it feels to finally say/type that.

They say the experiences of our life are what make us, and yes, this got me down for a while, I even considered going back on anti-depressants, but I have amazing friends who got me through it without that. Now I don't even feel mad about it, I almost pity the person who felt they needed to do that to me. And if I do get sad about it, it's about the fact that I may have had a child now I could look forward to teaching about the incredible things that are in this world, but that only happens occasionally.

And now that I have put a massive downer on everything, I'm gonna leave, put on some awesome music and read a novel I am enjoying immensely at the moment. There are good things in the world.

Though I did have a question to ask, which has nothing to do with what I was talking about above; when I was in the shower earlier, I was looking in the mirror, as one does, and for whatever reason I was focusing on my eyes. I do like my eyes, even if one of them is squint, but I noticed something I thought was odd; my eyes are the colour of pale pea soup, which is charming I know, but they have rust coloured flecks through them. I was just wondering if anyone else has ever noticed this in their own eyes?